Am I Okay?

The question I ask myself constantly

Honestly, I don’t always talk about my problems to other people often. It’s hard to when people use your personal issues and throw it back on you as if it reflects your character. It’s even more difficult when it happens to you unfairly, when you do no wrong, yet it gets taken out on you first. Scorpio’s are known for their privacy, but you guys sleep on Taurus’s. We’re the true beasts (astrology post idea!!)

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Recently, I’ve gone through a few different transitions in life that I’m not sure I want to put on paper yet, but it begs the question: am I okay?

As I stare at the laptop screen, pondering on said question. I ask myself again: am I okay?

I mean, I’m here typing. I woke up, did a lil yawn, took a couple sips of my water, went to the bathroom, and got back into the bed. I told myself it’s time to make homework packets for my students tomorrow, so that my Monday won’t look as hectic as the last. It’s a bit chilly in here, so I’m wrapped up in a big blanket debating whether I should put some socks on or not.

It sounds like I’m normal? Right? I would think…

I keep checking my mom’s flight number to make sure she’s getting home safely. It feels like I need some coffee to function properly. Heavily debating if I should entertain the idea of energy drinks, but I fear I’ll have even more anxiety and palpatations that cause me to panic internally.

Internally is the key word, you see. Externally, I look okay. Sure, my morning hair looks a mess, but there’s nothing indicating that I am currently losing it right now. Hell, even internally, I’m not losing it. Remember the SpongeBob episode where there’s mini versions of him in his brain working as if they’re in an office? That’s how I view my head, and at the slightest head turn the panic button hits. It’s not a huge fire, but it’s enough to have my mini me’s sit the fuck up when they notice it. Externally, I have to keep calm to keep my brain calm so it doesn’t explode all over the place like a resident evil zombie.

I’ve been tired. For real. It seems like for most of January, I was stressed and watching my savings account drain down. Then I got a job, which has not been smooth sailing so far. It’s not difficult, but it’s not easy when you’re a resource teacher in the middle of the school year getting accustomed to the school itself, the kids and their specific needs, and what lessons I want to teach, or think they desperately need. Then I’ve been having familial issues occurring, it’s truly just a lot.

I’m a bit frenzied, but at the same time I’m not. It doesn’t feel as if I’m completely stressed, until I notice the slight headaches I get, or how sluggish I feel. How snappy I can get, or the lack of motivation I have to do anything I want to do.

So once again, I ask myself: Am I okay?

I don’t know. I don’t think I am all the way. I think I’m in an anxious state that I’m not fully checked into all the way. I only know because of the physicalities that has been happening. I know I’m not fully intend with myself when I don’t even have energy to get on my PC and play video games!!!

WAHHHHHHH <—— that’s me crying real quick.

It’s moments like this where I feel like a true blogger.

Life is a lot right now, and I’ve noticed it since the beginning of the year. The economy is settling into ruin, causing people to either lose their jobs or the intensity of said jobs increasing.

I think we’re ALL in a drained state right now